A Native American grandfather was talking to his grandson about how he felt about a tragedy. He said, “I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one.” The grandson asked him, “Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?”

The grandfather answered, “The one I feed.”

Expected

Mind's a twirl, everything's in limbo.

You know, I expected this to happen. After 2 years of seeing repeat after repeat of the same thing, one does get used to it; and hope seems to diminish away. Got butt-raped in bio. Got mind-screwed in math. Got jacked-up in chem. What can I say?

It's a weird feeling. Having to know what you will get, yet hoping this will be different, and then seeing that what you expected came to pass. A tingling down the cape of the neck. A cold shiver engulfs you and goosebumps appear. Temperature check, nope, 36.0. Yet, why do I feel like something just sucked the living lights out of me? Something called Failure just swept me off my feet.

It's stupid to moan. No input, no output. Moaning and blues don't comfort, they taunt. Each time, reinforcing that which drains you.

More than a shadow. I want to be more than a shadow, of others, of myself. It's silly to say it here, but when you face let-down after let-down, it's quite easy to imagine yourself losing confidence in your abilities. You doubt these hands that work. Beyond just work. In your social life. Friends pass you, no more greetings are exchanged. To each his demon. Mine's called Achievement. Either you're It, or you're nothing. You lose your smile, your laughter ebbs away. You begin to be cynical. To question than to embrace. Humour fails you, relationships bore you. The heart is weary, the soul is in pain.

A shadow cannot live. Yet, when the Sun is at it's highest and brightest, the shadow is at it's weakest. So we seek the Sun; but where is the Sun, my friend?

Quantifying the unquantifiable

Not long after our T3A hand-ups and I'm again dealt with another chop.

What's with this obsession about validation? Intellectual, intra-personal and inter-personal? I mean, doesn't it all seem a little superficial to you? Yes, I am well acquainted with the notion that interviewers need to know more about the person, and that if we do not have such systems, by what means can we know a person? Hence, CVs and resumes.

But that only comes when the person has the time to build up his portfolio, and he also knows that he is about to be judged. Us? Other than the T3A's and testimonial by the teachers, I am not aware of yet another 3 qualifications that I must put down. 2 years of struggling with one's studies and syllabus also doesn't grant you the time to truly learn "valuable" life skills. Phff, this is so unreasonable. Are we expected to develop character changes over 2 years of mugging?

For example, the idea of validating "resilience" is ludicrous. If I want to, can I say that after failing exam after exam, I am "resilient" in that I never gave up? Despite no resultant achievement, can I say that I never let down? I think not, teachers won't accept it. Interviewers won't accept it. But if this is genuine, can it not be a glaring quality? That this individual does possess determination, but is merely bounded by the lack of time (2 years) to fulfill his potential.

You ask what is wrong with our system. I say nothing. There is no wrong in such systems if one is pragmatic and mercantile, getting freshly-made adults to write T3A and its like. But if you ask me, to force us to quantify the unquantifiable. To calcify the intangible. To cause us youths to grow into a people who does everything for selfish reasons just so that we can validate them in personal statements - it's just wrong.

The man in the mirror

We preen ourselves in front of it. We pop zits in front of it. We judge the capability of the hair-cutting auntie in it. We use a silver version of it to detect aldehydes. Some of you even practice kissing in front of it (I know you do haha =P) What am I talking about? The mirror.

Admit it, we judge ourselves every time we look into the mirror. We see perceived flaws so clearly where others see nothing. We obsess with ensuring that what we see in the mirror is perfect, and when it isn't, we feel defeated.

It's merely a piece of glass, yet it holds the life of us with an iron grip. Think of the bulimic young girls. Grossly thin you say? No, the mirror still maintains that they're fat. Despite all our indignant protests - no I'm not, we are stuck with the "man in the mirror".

We are also like mirrors, each of us reflecting a side of us to different people, different situations. Thus, we communicate by reflecting ourselves onto others. So when we end up in an embarrassing or awkward situation, we just feel like digging a hole through the concrete floor and dying in it. Coz we hate what we reflect. We hate what we "see", and strangely enough, we tend to see ourselves in largely third person viewpoints.

Oh man, she's probably not into me now, I can't believe I said that.. We think we know what the other person sees, but we don't.

Why, because we're stuck with the man in the mirror. He's our perceived self. Call him Personality, Character, Mindset or whatever, he's stuck with us for all eternity. So the best way is to engage him and make him work for us. Not the other way round.

Thanks MJ, good song.

Oh yea, that reminds me. I know we're all sad and depressed, FML, MJ's gone.. But honestly, will ppl just stop being retards and give it a rest. Everyone is talking about how he's so brilliant, how he's changed the world and made it a better place for you and me. Wow, he's like an angel, him with his 2 little wings and halo, spreading love and warmth to all...

Oh screw it, although we're all shitting rainbows thanks to him, can we all just respect him and let him go in peace? All of the retards out there spamming youtube and facebook with RIP MJ, erm it's pretty ironic, but you're not letting him RIP are you? So just beat it. Just beat it. Let him go.

School's been good for the past week, not getting screwed yet, and not getting sleep either. I'm starting to believe in karma. That's what you get for not mugging June away. Now I'm feeling all guilty about it. Teachers have a very sick way of getting high.. I mean, how can we study? MJ just died, they should postpone the As or something.. Dude..

You know, call me a sick ass, but I'm really looking forward to NS. You know, serving the nation by shaving our heads, protecting our shores from unknown threats, keeping a lookout for malaysians creeping over in floatation devices, ensuring the mosquitoes in tekong are fed.. Basically, National Servitude, or was it service? I forgot.

Best of all, there's no bio.

It seems bio has only 1 learning outcome. Candidates should be able to master the art of memorising. That's it. It's got to be the simplest A level subject. Disregarding the copious amount of useless information that they pry down your throat. There, I said it first, bio is the simplest A level subject.

Right, self-help guides really do help don't they. Stay positive. It's not self-delusionalism. It's having the right mindset. Think happy thoughts and sad things go bye bye. Pff. People who buy this stuff are really really sad. They should listen to Miley Cyrus or something.

Ok, I need to start now. Hmm where was I? Yes, proteins. Right, 1 down, many more to go...

Hitler vids

Haha gotta check out this series. It's all the same but different story line. Hilarious.

There are lots more different versions out there. Wtf man hahaha.