You know, I expected this to happen. After 2 years of seeing repeat after repeat of the same thing, one does get used to it; and hope seems to diminish away. Got butt-raped in bio. Got mind-screwed in math. Got jacked-up in chem. What can I say?
It's a weird feeling. Having to know what you will get, yet hoping this will be different, and then seeing that what you expected came to pass. A tingling down the cape of the neck. A cold shiver engulfs you and goosebumps appear. Temperature check, nope, 36.0. Yet, why do I feel like something just sucked the living lights out of me? Something called Failure just swept me off my feet.
It's stupid to moan. No input, no output. Moaning and blues don't comfort, they taunt. Each time, reinforcing that which drains you.
More than a shadow. I want to be more than a shadow, of others, of myself. It's silly to say it here, but when you face let-down after let-down, it's quite easy to imagine yourself losing confidence in your abilities. You doubt these hands that work. Beyond just work. In your social life. Friends pass you, no more greetings are exchanged. To each his demon. Mine's called Achievement. Either you're It, or you're nothing. You lose your smile, your laughter ebbs away. You begin to be cynical. To question than to embrace. Humour fails you, relationships bore you. The heart is weary, the soul is in pain.
A shadow cannot live. Yet, when the Sun is at it's highest and brightest, the shadow is at it's weakest. So we seek the Sun; but where is the Sun, my friend?
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