The Truth Hurts

It's now day 5 of my life with Leukemia.

To tell you the truth, I have much difficulty adapting to life with cancer. I thought that through gritted teeth, I can push my way through this. But, it isn't easy at all. The doctor just came in this morning to tell me that I had a rare case of a combination of ALL and AML. Things look really bleak at the moment. I would definitely need a marrow transplant. The trenchant truth.

In that one moment, I let out an uncontrolled sigh and an unexplained tiredness overcame me. The amalgamation of fears that I thought that I had successfully suppressed battled their way out and seeped through. I wasn't going to university in 2012. I wasn't going to be able to pursue my life the way I had planned. I was going to be very weak. What if my friends left and forgot about me when they entered university? I would be all alone, emaciated in a cold ward with toxic chemicals running through my veins, destroying both cancer and healthy cells with equal ruthlessness and indiscretion.

As I looked into the mirror and see the gruesome tubes pouring out of my chest, I say out loud "I don't want to have cancer. God, why did you let this pass?" I can't help but cry. I have not even held hands with a woman that I love and yet I have to battle cancer. It seems to be a wicked reversal of time. Theoretically, cancer should affect mainly the old after years of acquired chromosomal mutations. Yet, here I am, at 20, suffering from a disease of the aged. God has decreed that I should not be allowed the normal rite of passage. From adolescence to adulthood to parenthood. He has decreed that this is a fight that I cannot avoid.

I truly want to stay positive and fight till my very last breath. I will. I have no other option. Yet, I cannot deny that I despair at the odds and the suffering I am about to behold. If You'd would only take this cup from me..

I am comforted by the words of a friend; that God will never give you more than you can bear. Have faith. That's the only thing that would separate me from the living dead at the moment. That's the truth, and it's the only thing that would set me free from this other painful truth.