Transplant soon and I am scared as fuck. There out of my chest..

The Truth Hurts

It's now day 5 of my life with Leukemia.

To tell you the truth, I have much difficulty adapting to life with cancer. I thought that through gritted teeth, I can push my way through this. But, it isn't easy at all. The doctor just came in this morning to tell me that I had a rare case of a combination of ALL and AML. Things look really bleak at the moment. I would definitely need a marrow transplant. The trenchant truth.

In that one moment, I let out an uncontrolled sigh and an unexplained tiredness overcame me. The amalgamation of fears that I thought that I had successfully suppressed battled their way out and seeped through. I wasn't going to university in 2012. I wasn't going to be able to pursue my life the way I had planned. I was going to be very weak. What if my friends left and forgot about me when they entered university? I would be all alone, emaciated in a cold ward with toxic chemicals running through my veins, destroying both cancer and healthy cells with equal ruthlessness and indiscretion.

As I looked into the mirror and see the gruesome tubes pouring out of my chest, I say out loud "I don't want to have cancer. God, why did you let this pass?" I can't help but cry. I have not even held hands with a woman that I love and yet I have to battle cancer. It seems to be a wicked reversal of time. Theoretically, cancer should affect mainly the old after years of acquired chromosomal mutations. Yet, here I am, at 20, suffering from a disease of the aged. God has decreed that I should not be allowed the normal rite of passage. From adolescence to adulthood to parenthood. He has decreed that this is a fight that I cannot avoid.

I truly want to stay positive and fight till my very last breath. I will. I have no other option. Yet, I cannot deny that I despair at the odds and the suffering I am about to behold. If You'd would only take this cup from me..

I am comforted by the words of a friend; that God will never give you more than you can bear. Have faith. That's the only thing that would separate me from the living dead at the moment. That's the truth, and it's the only thing that would set me free from this other painful truth.

What a bummer thinking of a suitable heading..

Doesn't life feel that way sometimes? Why do I need to think of a title in order to express certain thoughts, feelings and emotions? Can't I fumble in that which is inchoate? To let it be instead of having a clean dissection?

Titles. Where it forces you to label everything just so that our limited intellect can hope to categorise and organise everything that we perceive into a little mental shelf. There's always a structure to everything. Lesson plans to follow. Rules to follow. Protocols and an interminable number of chess-like steps in living this life. Rather makes you a determinist doesn't it? That to believe in a life of wanderlust toppled with serendipity is a life not lived.

Not that I would fancy such a lifestyle. I like things which are clear, distinct and predictable. If I could only fit all of life into a crystal jar and be able to take a macro-perspective. All would fit into a rational framework.

Yet, no..

You don't go clubbing, where dirty, sweaty grinding is the de rigueur, to feel an abomination towards those desperate men snapping at any chance to swarm a tipsy female in a short skirt. You should have flirtatious fun yourself. That's not logical at all. It's analogous to jumping into a pool and hoping to stay dry. Ridiculous.

You'd think that a girl as pretty and as intelligent as she was would be confident. Yet, to read that she doesn't see herself in that light. That she's in a little bubble.. that doesn't make sense at all does it? Oh, I wish I could break that bubble.. laughably I was tongue-tied and in a bubble myself when we met..

There's no framework. We are irrational (and Adam Smith concurs with me). We create systems but our very core deviates to entropy. CO is right, structure breeds conduct. It describes us as a fluid taking the shape of its container. We need structure or we'd just be a formless puddle. Useless. Wasted.

I want to break free of certain thought patterns or moulds. I cannot achieve the effective life that I envisage with my current container. So I am thankful to be in Viper. I knew that NS would influence me. Be in a fun container that bends with a successful mould.

Lull.

My first new post for the year.

Wow. Much has indeed passed since my last post here. I haven't been inspired (or the lack of time rather) to write since last september. Tekong has been a blast. Life as an SCT seems so surreal now that I've gotten used to life as a commander.

Looking back at the previous post, I wonder, who gives me the right over my 61 boys? I cringe sometimes when I think about the things that I did, or shouldn't have done, in training school. Makes me question my ability and more importantly, the right to lead. But, I'm learning. Constantly. I'm not sure but perhaps I'm subconsciously trying to make amends for my subpar conduct in the past. Hoping that I can somehow forgive myself. Either way, I can say that I worked my butt off real nicely.

So far so good. It's great to see the boys POP. It gives me great pleasure to know and see that they have grown from "blur cocks" to moulded privates ready for their next phase of training. In retrospect, I could have been more efficient in certain areas of their training.. can't wait to gear up for the next batch coming in Feb. My batch last year.

I really do think that the SAF should give us more pay. I can't believe how intense a commander's life can be where every waking moment surrounds the recruit. I honestly did the best that I could. I even dare say that I've been more gungho outfield now than I've ever been. It starts to come alive now, this reality that my boys look up to me for guidance and that God forbid I should ever fail them. This really is a far cry from me before. There's definitely some truth in saying being a father changes a man.

It's lull now. Which means 9th Div had to organise a silly and insipid Family Day which no one wants to attend, only by penalty of death from OC, of course. Yay, let's all put on our trunks and get wet with CO.. Gosh, we could really do with a war around here.

But, I'm happy with this much deserved hiatus. You'd be surprised at the pleasure just lazing around and sleeping can bring. Pure bliss.. sigh.

Ok now, where are those trunks...

When the Starlight flickers away, as such marks the end of things..

I'm back from the legendary depths of Taiwan that every infantry sergeant makes his mark in.

The lessons from Taiwan, I've documented soundly and truth be told, I'm rather happy to have went to Taiwan. I have learnt more in Formosa about myself and the way I respond in situations more than in the past 6 months and I feel it a great need to constantly remind myself of that great final AAR (after-action review).

I would like to apologise for my actions and attitudes which were unbecoming of a specialist, but that being say, be grateful for having been enlightened at such importune a time as my passing out as a 3rd sergeant.

I read just the other day, my apologies for not remembering the writer's good name, that education is just an increased awareness of our own ignorance. Nothing can sum up so great a lesson in so short a sentence. It is Man's greatest gift that he can learn from the past. It is said with much cynicism that the only lesson from history is that We never learn from history. True, but only because history does not repeat itself and as such, we shall always have new mistakes to make.

I wish with all my heart to be a good sergeant, that I can, in whatever way I can, lead my 6 men out there to be their best. I know that I'm not the brightest, nor the fittest, nor the most capable, but I know now that I have the potential to effect these attributes in my men. As it has been shown, simple acts of commitment might just inspire others to push beyond themselves. I need to know this fact, I cannot allow myself to be carried away in the pursuit of my own comfort. Being there and yet, not there, it hurts others more than I could have foreseen. Not having a motivation is not a valid excuse since you have willingly accepted this rank and the duties that come attached.

Where the End Begins

SCT Joshua. SISPEC, Infantry.

Ah ASLC. Oh joy.

Those words stirred in me, a funny mocktail of disappointment and fair expectation. That little sliver of hope that went POOF where I no longer flirted with the idea of Yes! Not infantry and fell into the I-Knew-It zone. I've known all along that me wanting to be in anything else but infantry would be me facing everything but reality.

But what is the BIG hoo-ha anyway?

Most of the guys, no scratch that, practically all the guys I know don't want to be in infantry namely because it means more outfield, more SOC and more outfields plus route marches. But if one were to think about it, the infantry is as respectable a vocation as any other. Ok, so we march with bags of stones while Armour rolls by waving. So military police have lectures in military law in air-conditioned halls while we dig fire trenches in some god forsaken mud pit. So we climb hills in the rain while Signals and Intel points us the way from some warm benches. But WE ARE the army. Wars are incited by the infantry and it is the infanterie who ends it.

We are but a vocation and we do what we do. As simple as that. There's no point complaining or comparing between vocations. To each its own. At the end of the day, there might be some who feel cheated in that we suffer more than others, but we come out stronger, mentally and physically as well. Give and take is the axiom we should live by.

So this is where the end begins. The end of Specialist School begins with our first book-in into our respective units for Pro term. Others have done it before "singaporearmystories.blogspot.com" and we will do this now.

Alright, now that I have clearly managed to convince myself in this short few minutes that the infantry is the best vocation, I will return to my smelly LBV and Helmet tomorrow smiling, a better man. I hope.

Revival

I must say that I am overwhelmed by this incessant need to jot down my thoughts once more. After such a long pause in writing anything, I dare say I am in severe lack of any one ounce of intellect.

Seeing where Life has brought me so far, he has gamely slapped me with a challenge.

In the midst of all the very successful scholars around me (even in camp), I am called to take courage that I can still one day fulfill my dream of being a steward of justice (corny isn't it, but a post which I highly regard). Right now, maybe it's because of friends who have the ability to apply for law school through good grades (though I might heartlessly say that they lack the aptitude for it, though not all), or that I have yet to apply for university since application dates have not yet arrived, there is a deep stir and unrest within me.

What if I cannot fulfill this burning ambition? I used to sit in wonderment of being amongst international courts trying corrupt officials and ridding the world of the unscrupulous. But now, I fear, that I may have to continue sitting in wonderment forever...

Army has been good to me. It has taught me values and the need for a solid system in any organisation. These have distracted me, for now.

I wish I can sigh out loud, but what is the use? Laments are for the weak and there can be no weakness for this challenge. Oh why, oh why did I not buck up in my studies? If it meant studying for a subject I hated for the greater good, why not? Why did I lapse into disappointment and despair? I know that I have not reached my fullest potential, but which university would see? Results is the only vernacular that the world will ever understand, and for that plain reason, I may have doomed myself.

Checking out.

2010

Wow, it has indeed been a very long time since I last wrote anything here..

Funny it seems, if you would notice the break. Like a man deep in coma finally arising once more and all he recalls hitherto is a long dash from that last moment of consciousness. A lot of things have changed, I'm sure, for everyone of us. The As, I am happy to say, no longer serves as a sticking point for any conversation or as a conceivable priority in my life anymore. Other then the periodic panic pangs I suffer from this interminable wait for release of our results..

Army Life.

Ahh.. It feels good to be a soldier strangely. I glance through facebook and most guys out there hate the army to its green pixelated guts. I mean, yes, there is reason to feel disdainful. After all its two years of our lives. But, by the same token, it's only two years of our lives. Unless you have testicular cancer or something, I cannot see why the huge fuss over this two years. Tell me honestly, if given these two extra years, would you have done something meaningful with it?

I would think not.

To me, the opportunity to serve, is one to re-evaluate our lifestyles and thinking. Don't think of it as pure brain rot (though it is still a valid factor), but as a re-awakening of your unstimulated post As self. I find that certain key traits are emphasized in the army, and if you allow it, they can serve you well in the future.

To name a few. Discipline. Professionalism. Perseverance. And not to mention, foresight and the ability to take hardship, which are crucial factors in the course of leadership. I was a skeptic myself. But I am glad I chose to think positively. I can see myself becoming a better man after the army. And not ever before have I said something about myself with such certainty.

Right now, I can sense that I am changing. I used to be ambivalent and indifferent about certain tasks that I do not care about. But now, all that matters is that you complete the mission. Like it or not. There is no choosing responsibility. When it is given, you answer the call.

As a PR, certain responsibilities are removed from me. Such as entry into OCS. Although it does remove certain achievements that I would like to be able to complete, nonetheless SISPEC is still a goal.

If you ask me, even if you do not line yourself with the ideology of the army, the skills that you pick up will make you a better boyfriend, husband, father, colleague, leader and person.

That I can promise. But you must first believe it to be so.

ITE

It's The End

End of 1 month of painful examination.

End of 2 months of mindless mugging.

End of 2 years of weary trudging.

End of 12 years of a truly Singapore-ific educational system.

End of 18 years of youthful abandonment..

What now?

Start of ? months of gaming.

Start of 2 years of National Servitude.

Start of ? years rekindling my faith.

Start of ? years of volunteerism.

Start of ? years enjoying everything and anything that my present youth allows me to.

Start of ? years of university.

Start of ? years of building up my career.

Start of ? years achieving greater heights.

Start of ? years of starting a family??

Start of ? years of leaving behind all semblance of youth and the deep embrace of age.

Start of ? years of pursuing a deeper purpose.

Start of ? years of retirement.

Start of ? years looking back at the ? of years that God has so graciously blessed me with.

...

...

Then really, ITE.

That my friend, is what life is about. No matter how you fare for your A levels, be aware that you should never limit your self-belief or purpose to one mangy piece of rotten certificate. There still is a long road ahead.

It is hard, I understand it just as well as you do. But let us not fall into this deep farce which is the elitism stemming from our unyielding national embrace of meritocracy.

Society will never judge you by this certificate, only if you let it to.

Find a way.

Lighten up

I am officially free in 27 days.

Sorry for the randomness.. Back to study.

Do something

I've got this HUGE burning desire to do something. Not play or whatever, but to really go out there in the world to help someone in need; to organise and set up some huge event; to start up a business (Ha); be the ambassador of the Zoo; start a band; to build someone a house or to learn a new skill. I'm not interested in a job but maybe a spot in a firm where I can learn something, not sure what exactly but that mystical "Something".

Argh, this is so frustrating. There's nothing online at all. And you ask where is the empathetic volunteerism in Singapore!

I need to do something Bigger with my life. Just not contented with the prosaic.

Cambridge Law admission!

After viewing several debates and moots by the UK parliament and law students, out of curiously, I went to take a look at what Cambridge law offers. This is a specimen of their 3 part entry test. All materials are taken and can be found freely from the website of the University of Cambridge, Faculty of Law.

And you thought GP was bad..

Specimen questions

1. “Judges should be given no discretion in sentencing criminals: all criminal penalties should be fixed by statute. The exercise of discretion in sentencing requires an exercise of moral judgment by the judge, and judges in a modern democracy should not be allowed to exercise moral authority over their fellow citizens.” How far do you agree? Give reasons for your answer.
2. Should people be regarded as having fundamental moral rights, quite independently of law? If so, how should we decide what those rights are? Give reasons for your answer.

Specimen question

A piece of legislation (“the Act”) provides as follows:

Section 1
(1) A person who is not a party to a contract (a “third party”) may in his own right enforce a term of the contract if—
(a) the contract expressly provides that he may, or
(b) subject to subsection (2), the term purports to confer a benefit on him.
(2) Subsection (1)(b) does not apply if on a proper construction of the contract it appears that the parties did not intend the term to be enforceable by the third party.
(3) The third party must be expressly identified in the contract by name, as a member of a class or as answering a particular description but need not be in existence when the contract is entered into.

Section 2
(1) Where a third party has a right under section 1 to enforce a term of the contract, the parties to the contract may not, by agreement, cancel the contract, or vary it in such a way as to extinguish or alter his entitlement under that right, without his consent if—
(a) …;
(b) the promisor is aware that the third party has relied on the term, or
(c) the promisor can reasonably be expected to have foreseen that the third party would rely on the term and the third party has in fact relied on it.

Consider the application of the Act to each of the following alternative circumstances. In doing so, you can assume that a contract exists where two (or more) parties enter into an agreement in which they intend to be legally bound, and that a contract need not be in writing.

i. G and H are friends. In the pub one night they decide to play the National Lottery each week. Each is to contribute £1.50 and they would each choose three sets of numbers every other week, with H choosing three sets of numbers one week and G three sets of numbers the other week. They agree that any winnings are to be divided equally between the two of them and J, a friend. In the sixth week, when G has chosen the numbers, one of the combinations won a prize of £250,000. G, in whose name the ticket was registered, wishes to keep the prize. Can J sue G under the Act? Give reasons for your answer.

ii. On Mr and Mrs C’s marriage, their wealthy relative B buys an expensive 3 piece suite as a wedding gift from A Ltd, a well known department store. B makes it clear when purchasing the 3 piece suite that it is a gift for friends. The contract includes a term to the effect that the goods are of satisfactory quality. After 2 weeks of wear the fabric on the suite wears thin and frays, and after 3 weeks, two castors collapse. Can Mr and Mrs C sue A Ltd under the Act? Give reasons for your answer.

iii. X promises Y to pay Z £500 and Z, on hearing of this and because of it, immediately pays some outstanding bills. Before any money is handed over to Z, X and Y change their mind and agree to cancel their contract. Can Z sue X under the Act? Give reasons for your answer.

Specimen question

Jones (“J.”), a tramp who lived in an unoccupied building, woke up to discover that a cigarette he had been smoking had set fire to the mattress on which he was lying. He did not attempt to put out the fire, and moved to another room. The house caught fire. J. was convicted of the offence of arson under the Criminal Damage Act 1971. The Court of Appeal (“CA”) dismissed his appeal against conviction, but he appealed to the House of Lords (“HL”).

The CA asked the House of Lords to consider the following question:

Whether the offence of arson is committed when a defendant accidentally starts a fire and thereafter, intending to destroy or damage property belonging to another or being reckless as to whether any such property would be destroyed or damaged, fails to take any steps to extinguish the fire or prevent damage to such property by that fire?

Giving the judgment of the HL, Lord Diplock said:

The first question to be answered where a completed crime of arson is charged is: "Did a physical act of the accused start the fire which spread and damaged property belonging to another?”. This is a pure question of causation; it is one of fact to be decided by the jury. It should be answered "No" if, in relation to the fire during the period starting immediately before its ignition and ending with its extinction, the role of the accused was at no time more than that of a passive bystander. In such a case the subsequent questions to which I shall be turning would not arise. The conduct of such a person may indeed be deplorable, but English law has not so far developed to the stage of treating it as criminal; and if it ever were to do so there would be difficulties in defining what should be the limits of the offence.

If on the other hand the question is answered "Yes," as it was by the jury in the instant case, then for the purpose of the further questions the answers to which are determinative of his guilt of the offence of arson, the conduct of the accused, throughout the period from immediately before the moment of ignition to the completion of the damage to the property by the fire, is relevant; so is his state of mind throughout that period.

Since arson is a result-crime the period may be considerable, and during it the conduct of the accused that is causative of the result may consist not only of his doing physical acts which cause the fire to start or spread but also of his failing to take measures that lie within his power to counteract the danger that he has himself created; and if his conduct, active or passive, varies in the course of the period, so may his state of mind at the time of each piece of conduct. If at the time of any particular piece of conduct by the accused that is causative of the result, the state of mind that actuates his conduct falls within the description of one or other of the states of mind that are made a necessary ingredient of the offence of arson by section 1 of the Criminal Damage Act 1971 (i.e. intending to damage property belonging to another or being reckless as to whether such property would be damaged) I know of no principle of English criminal law that would prevent his being guilty of the offence created by that subsection. Likewise I see no rational ground for excluding from conduct capable of giving rise to criminal liability, conduct which consists of failing to take measures that lie within one's power to counteract a danger that one has oneself created, if at the time of such conduct one's state of mind is such as constitutes a necessary ingredient of the offence.

No one has been bold enough to suggest that if, in the instant case, the accused had been aware at the time that he dropped the cigarette that it would probably set fire to his mattress and yet had taken no steps to extinguish it he would not have been guilty of the offence of arson, since he would have damaged property of another being reckless as to whether any such property would be damaged.

I cannot see any good reason why, so far as liability under criminal law is concerned, it should matter at what point of time before the resultant damage is complete a person becomes aware that he has done a physical act which, whether or not he appreciated that it would at the time when he did it, does in fact create a risk that property of another will be damaged; provided that, at the moment of awareness, it lies within his power to take steps, either himself or by calling for the assistance of the fire brigade if this be necessary, to prevent or minimise the damage to the property at risk.

My Lords, in the instant case the prosecution did not rely upon the state of mind of the accused as being reckless during that part of his conduct that consisted of his lighting and smoking a cigarette while lying on his mattress and falling asleep without extinguishing it. So the jury were not invited to make any finding as to this. What the prosecution did rely upon as being reckless was his state of mind during that part of his conduct after he awoke to find that he had set his mattress on fire and that it was smouldering, but did not then take any steps either to try to extinguish it himself or to send for the fire brigade, but simply went into the other room to resume his slumbers, leaving the fire from the already smouldering mattress to spread and to damage that part of the house in which the mattress was.

The recorder, in his lucid summing up to the jury told them that the accused having by his own act started a fire in the mattress which, when he became aware of its existence, presented an obvious risk of damaging the house, became under a duty to take some action to put it out. The Court of Appeal upheld the conviction, but the basis for their decision appears to be somewhat different from that of the recorder. As I understand the judgment, in effect it treats the whole course of conduct of the accused, from the moment at which he fell asleep and dropped the cigarette on to the mattress until the time the damage to the house by fire was complete, as a continuous act of the accused, and holds that it is sufficient to constitute the offence of arson if at any stage in that course of conduct the state of mind of the accused, when he fails to try to prevent or minimise the damage which will result from his initial act, although it lies within his power to do so, is that of being reckless as to whether property belonging to another would be damaged.

My Lords, these alternative ways of analysing the legal theory that justifies a decision which has received nothing but commendation for its accord with commonsense and justice, have, since the publication of the judgment of the Court of Appeal in the instant case, provoked academic controversy. Each theory has distinguished support. Professor Smith espouses the "duty theory"; Professor Williams prefers that of the continuous act. When applied to cases where a person has unknowingly done an act which sets in train events that, when he becomes aware of them, present an obvious risk that property belonging to another will be damaged, both theories lead to an identical result; and since what your Lordships are concerned with is to give guidance to trial judges in their task of summing up to juries, I would for this purpose adopt the duty theory as being the easier to explain to a jury; though I would commend the use of the word "responsibility," rather than "duty" which is more appropriate to civil than to criminal law, since it suggests an obligation owed to another person, i.e., the person to whom the endangered property belongs, whereas a criminal statute defines combinations of conduct and state of mind which render a person liable to punishment by the state itself.

So, I would answer the certified question "Yes" and would dismiss the appeal.

Answer both of the following questions:

1. Explain in your own words, and indicating how it differed from the reasoning of the Court of Appeal, the reasoning of Lord Diplock in this case.
2. In the first paragraph of his judgment, Lord Diplock suggests that a bystander who came across the fire would not be guilty of any offence if he failed to take steps which were within his powers to put it out. Why should that be? Do you agree that such a person should not be guilty of an offence? Give reasons for your answer.

If after NS, you expect me to have that one ounce of brain material left to even understand the question, you're mistaken. 3 words. OMG. Help me.

A Native American grandfather was talking to his grandson about how he felt about a tragedy. He said, “I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one.” The grandson asked him, “Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?”

The grandfather answered, “The one I feed.”

Expected

Mind's a twirl, everything's in limbo.

You know, I expected this to happen. After 2 years of seeing repeat after repeat of the same thing, one does get used to it; and hope seems to diminish away. Got butt-raped in bio. Got mind-screwed in math. Got jacked-up in chem. What can I say?

It's a weird feeling. Having to know what you will get, yet hoping this will be different, and then seeing that what you expected came to pass. A tingling down the cape of the neck. A cold shiver engulfs you and goosebumps appear. Temperature check, nope, 36.0. Yet, why do I feel like something just sucked the living lights out of me? Something called Failure just swept me off my feet.

It's stupid to moan. No input, no output. Moaning and blues don't comfort, they taunt. Each time, reinforcing that which drains you.

More than a shadow. I want to be more than a shadow, of others, of myself. It's silly to say it here, but when you face let-down after let-down, it's quite easy to imagine yourself losing confidence in your abilities. You doubt these hands that work. Beyond just work. In your social life. Friends pass you, no more greetings are exchanged. To each his demon. Mine's called Achievement. Either you're It, or you're nothing. You lose your smile, your laughter ebbs away. You begin to be cynical. To question than to embrace. Humour fails you, relationships bore you. The heart is weary, the soul is in pain.

A shadow cannot live. Yet, when the Sun is at it's highest and brightest, the shadow is at it's weakest. So we seek the Sun; but where is the Sun, my friend?

Quantifying the unquantifiable

Not long after our T3A hand-ups and I'm again dealt with another chop.

What's with this obsession about validation? Intellectual, intra-personal and inter-personal? I mean, doesn't it all seem a little superficial to you? Yes, I am well acquainted with the notion that interviewers need to know more about the person, and that if we do not have such systems, by what means can we know a person? Hence, CVs and resumes.

But that only comes when the person has the time to build up his portfolio, and he also knows that he is about to be judged. Us? Other than the T3A's and testimonial by the teachers, I am not aware of yet another 3 qualifications that I must put down. 2 years of struggling with one's studies and syllabus also doesn't grant you the time to truly learn "valuable" life skills. Phff, this is so unreasonable. Are we expected to develop character changes over 2 years of mugging?

For example, the idea of validating "resilience" is ludicrous. If I want to, can I say that after failing exam after exam, I am "resilient" in that I never gave up? Despite no resultant achievement, can I say that I never let down? I think not, teachers won't accept it. Interviewers won't accept it. But if this is genuine, can it not be a glaring quality? That this individual does possess determination, but is merely bounded by the lack of time (2 years) to fulfill his potential.

You ask what is wrong with our system. I say nothing. There is no wrong in such systems if one is pragmatic and mercantile, getting freshly-made adults to write T3A and its like. But if you ask me, to force us to quantify the unquantifiable. To calcify the intangible. To cause us youths to grow into a people who does everything for selfish reasons just so that we can validate them in personal statements - it's just wrong.

The man in the mirror

We preen ourselves in front of it. We pop zits in front of it. We judge the capability of the hair-cutting auntie in it. We use a silver version of it to detect aldehydes. Some of you even practice kissing in front of it (I know you do haha =P) What am I talking about? The mirror.

Admit it, we judge ourselves every time we look into the mirror. We see perceived flaws so clearly where others see nothing. We obsess with ensuring that what we see in the mirror is perfect, and when it isn't, we feel defeated.

It's merely a piece of glass, yet it holds the life of us with an iron grip. Think of the bulimic young girls. Grossly thin you say? No, the mirror still maintains that they're fat. Despite all our indignant protests - no I'm not, we are stuck with the "man in the mirror".

We are also like mirrors, each of us reflecting a side of us to different people, different situations. Thus, we communicate by reflecting ourselves onto others. So when we end up in an embarrassing or awkward situation, we just feel like digging a hole through the concrete floor and dying in it. Coz we hate what we reflect. We hate what we "see", and strangely enough, we tend to see ourselves in largely third person viewpoints.

Oh man, she's probably not into me now, I can't believe I said that.. We think we know what the other person sees, but we don't.

Why, because we're stuck with the man in the mirror. He's our perceived self. Call him Personality, Character, Mindset or whatever, he's stuck with us for all eternity. So the best way is to engage him and make him work for us. Not the other way round.

Thanks MJ, good song.

Oh yea, that reminds me. I know we're all sad and depressed, FML, MJ's gone.. But honestly, will ppl just stop being retards and give it a rest. Everyone is talking about how he's so brilliant, how he's changed the world and made it a better place for you and me. Wow, he's like an angel, him with his 2 little wings and halo, spreading love and warmth to all...

Oh screw it, although we're all shitting rainbows thanks to him, can we all just respect him and let him go in peace? All of the retards out there spamming youtube and facebook with RIP MJ, erm it's pretty ironic, but you're not letting him RIP are you? So just beat it. Just beat it. Let him go.

School's been good for the past week, not getting screwed yet, and not getting sleep either. I'm starting to believe in karma. That's what you get for not mugging June away. Now I'm feeling all guilty about it. Teachers have a very sick way of getting high.. I mean, how can we study? MJ just died, they should postpone the As or something.. Dude..

You know, call me a sick ass, but I'm really looking forward to NS. You know, serving the nation by shaving our heads, protecting our shores from unknown threats, keeping a lookout for malaysians creeping over in floatation devices, ensuring the mosquitoes in tekong are fed.. Basically, National Servitude, or was it service? I forgot.

Best of all, there's no bio.

It seems bio has only 1 learning outcome. Candidates should be able to master the art of memorising. That's it. It's got to be the simplest A level subject. Disregarding the copious amount of useless information that they pry down your throat. There, I said it first, bio is the simplest A level subject.

Right, self-help guides really do help don't they. Stay positive. It's not self-delusionalism. It's having the right mindset. Think happy thoughts and sad things go bye bye. Pff. People who buy this stuff are really really sad. They should listen to Miley Cyrus or something.

Ok, I need to start now. Hmm where was I? Yes, proteins. Right, 1 down, many more to go...

Hitler vids

Haha gotta check out this series. It's all the same but different story line. Hilarious.

There are lots more different versions out there. Wtf man hahaha.

I salute Mr Michael Jackson, whatever they might say

MJ,

Your sudden loss brings with it great shock and wonderment, both to fans and critics alike. I'm no true-blue fan. However, your name still resonates within me as one who truly is the King Of Pop. I'm no doctor on music, but if I might say, your music is truly ahead of its time and your dancing, well, your dancing is in one word, astounding.

Despite your supposedly grand career, it seems to me that your private life never did scale to such heights. The amount of controversy surrounding your lawsuits, huge debts and not to mention the haters, add an insurmountable weight on the human heart. It could be speculated that you died of a broken heart, having been betrayed by the same world which worshipped you years before.

People made fun of you because of the way you looked and because of the way you led your life. I would not absolve myself of any guilt. I too have judged you based on what I saw. I pray, Mr Jackson, that you do not take this to heart. We are after all, merely human, peccable to sins as these. For you are the King of Pop, as with men with any form of fame, peccadilloes are immediately magnified, sometimes, grotesquely beyond proportion.

I am sorry Mr Jackson, for having engaged in such sins, for the more I ponder upon it all, the more I find that guilt rests not on you, but on us. Who are we to judge? We all have our own demons to fight.

The fact that the world now reels in shock is testament to your influence. At the end of the day, despite all our differences, music does bind.

I salute you Michael Jackson, whatever others might say.

I salute you for your audacity in breaking boundaries. That of race and music.

I salute you for standing up to criticism. Where many have done so before, yet few have succeeded.

I salute you for your love of music. Passion which makes the man a Man.

I salute you for your unparalleled talent. Never again will we see it in its entirety.

And above all, I salute you for being who you are. Just as other defining stars, you defined a new generation. You appeared at the cusp of the millennium, and just as quickly as you came, you are now gone.

Negative, Sir.

Block test 2 postponed by a week. What a difference it makes eh? Sarcastic, I know.

Even before I sit for this test, I've already failed one, NS aptitude test. Wtf. More than half of it is on spatial, math and again, wtf, physics skills. I think subtletly, they're telling us that if you have been doing bio and chem for the past 4 years of your life, you're fucking screwed in the army. Can you create an electro-magnet from a nail and the wall socket? How the fuck would I know, not like I'm signing on to be James Bond or Mcgyver?

Haha. pardon the expletives, just real tired that's all. All the E math shit still ringing in my head, 30+ sums in 14 min? Haha. Screw you GC.

In retrospect, maybe the tests were useful in some way, just don't wanna know my results..

..Candidate is deemed to be fuck in the head. Unable to complete simple sums within the short designated time. Potentially retarded. Incapable of imagining complex spatial arrangements after being mind-fucked by a truck-load of simple mathematical sums. Mental state can be likened to one that is constantly inebriated; as seen by the almost drunken stupidity he displayed in tackling simple physics. (May require at minimum, 2 years of training to learn to construct an electro-magnet out of a nail, copper wires and a wall socket - Trainer must be mentally and emotionally prepared for the worst).

Analysis: Pregnant goldfish : twit as above-mentioned candidate : soldier of any sort. Unlikely. Good day..

No wonder people are inventing cyborgs with built-in GCs for their metallic butts...